Few words can describe the absolute helpless horror I felt when I saw blood. My breath was stolen from my chest which made uttering, "No, no, no," a whispered plea. It was from this bathroom, just a week before, that I dashed out to find a phone to tell my husband that I was pregnant! And now, it was this same bathroom I ran from crying, telling my husband we needed to go to the hospital for fear I was losing the baby.
I am currently 7 1/2 weeks pregnant and very healthy. My baby is the size of raspberry in fact! My husband and I could not be more excited for the arrival of our first baby. And I could not be more scared. Sometimes anyway... The events that have happened thus far in this journey have painted very strange lines for me; lines between death and life that seemed thicker before this moment. Before I had this scare pregnancy was a bright and shiny experience. I knew it would be no picnic but I would be carrying a precious baby all through it's development in my womb and that was enough to make any sickness rather small. Then my world was shattered. My shiny perspective was dulled by the thought of never seeing my babies face. The disappointment in never feeling its warmth or smelling it's sweet skin. Never getting to hear it's small breaths and hear it's gentle coos broke my heart. Having to give away the small giraffe we were given as a baby gift; the idea made my stomach turn. All of this rushing in and out of my mind like someone going in and out of consciousness. "You have to stay calm." "Try to breath." "Getting too upset might not be good for the baby so try to just relax." Both friends and family and even my husband tried to be so helpful but all I wanted to do was scream. Not from pain, because I didn't have any physical pain but from frustration and fear. I was mad at myself for getting too attached. I was mad for knowing I was pregnant at all. I thought if I hadn't known then if something happened I never would have known the difference. That probably sounds terrible but my heart hurt so incredibly bad for what I didn't have answers to that I wished I never had to discover any.
Getting to the hospital was greeted with an hour and a half wait which was soothed with company from friends who came to be with us while we needed them. I attribute their presence to how I managed to keep my sanity. We were finally called back and from there it was all about tests and waiting. The doctors were so sweet and reassuring. Yet, they were very real and honest. They told me about what could be happening, miscarriage. And they gently reminded me that if that were the case, I did the best and only thing I could have done by coming to the hospital. It wasn't my fault and sometimes it's natures way of stopping something potentially unhealthy. I knew it was all good for me to hear but all I really wanted to hear was that I was crazy and overreacting and could go home and resume life as it was.
Several tests later they took me back to get an ultrasound. I remember laying there praying, "God, I don't know if this baby has a heartbeat but you are God and you made this baby and you can make a heartbeat. Give me a miracle and let me hear my baby." Within minutes of that prayer, I heard it. It's beautiful humming thumps. I wasn't sure if it could be mine so I didn't take it to heart at that moment. About 10 minutes later after all the tests were done and we were waiting to hear the results of the ultrasound (to see if there was a living or dead fetus) they told us there was most definitely a baby in there and it has a heartbeat. My heart soared and I wept. God heard my husband and I's desperate prayers and answered them with the most wonderful news I've ever received about anything in my life. The next few days were filled with more tests and more waiting and more praying that we would know that the bleeding was for no reason and that we were both healthy, baby and me. All of those prayers would be answered. We would even get to finally see our baby and my husband and I both got to listen to it's perfect heartbeat. Perfect. More perfect than how rain waters the earth. More perfect than how a body heals itself from sickness. More perfect than any note of music or hint of color in existence. The most perfect, lovely murmur of life, of creation.
It is the most helpless feeling in the world to instinctively want to save your child when there is physically nothing you can do to save what is inside your own body. I have honestly never leaned on God the way I did when this all began and I have not stopped leaning with that same fervor since. I have been so stale in my Christianity until I realized how powerless I was to protect what I wanted to keep. So much of this life is out of my control and I see now that as long as I release control to give it all to God that will be the only way that life can be sustained. He spoke to us during this time telling us that He had us where he wanted us and that we would need to go through trials to learn some things He needed us to know. But to trust Him regardless of how hard the trials were because He would bring it around for His glory. From the time we were in the hospital Saturday, February 4th to this moment as I write God has:
-Confirmed the life of our baby
-Increased my hormone levels to what the doctors wanted to see
-Blessed us with provision by offering Cody a youth and worship ministry in Dewey, OK
-Thus giving us the chance to be close to family during this time of pregnancy
-Provided us with a way out of our lease
-Provided us with paid for moving expenses
-And (answer still pending) I believe in full faith will soon present us with a future home
More than we asked for. More than we expected. God is good and I must share with you what these trials with our baby were for.
The night we found about the new job we began to discuss it. I became incredibly overwhelmed thinking of everything uprooting was going to take. Cody looked at me and said, "Rather than stress, let's just pray about this." To which I replied, "Pray? I can't even slow my mind down long enough to develop a full thought!" So I got out of bed (as pregnancy has nature calling more often) and walked to the bathroom. Along the way I began praying, "God this is too much. Is this right? Is this really what you want? How are we going to do this? Are we in over our heads here?" Then I heard a voice say gently, "The baby." "The baby? God this is nothing like what happened to the baby! This is different! This is not a human life!" I could hear a smile in God's voice as he replied, "I know it's not." I quickly stopped my panic and smiled in agreement. In that moment I knew that if I can trust God with the life of my baby, I could trust him to lead us and guide us into peace and safety.
Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.
Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.
Boldly and brashly with love,
Mrs. P and Baby