Monday, June 11, 2012

Rediscovering Life

Before January, I was a new bride. My Prince and I were consumed with being in love and that was all we needed. Truly, not in a corny way but in a free to love, free to live, free to do what married people do kind of way. I have a past filled with poor choices and the last 6 years were another self-discovery journey that taught me how to value and respect myself. It also led me to a solid relationship with God. Those 6 years taught me countless lessons; God is the only thing that can ever truly fulfill you, God hears the cries of the broken, Good things come to those who wait, God provides, etc. But when I married Cody it felt like God's way of saying, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I was free from guilt and free in love with my husband. We were blessed beyond measure and felt almost untouchable.

I believe I touched on it in my last blog about how I tend to be ready for whatever comes next of life. In high school I was ready for college, in college I was ready for marriage, and after I was married I immediately came down with baby fever. Cody and I decided to let nature be our guide to avoid any complications presently or in the future due to the use of birth controls. I didn't give my body much credit as far as fertility was concerned because I was told once to look at your mother's birthing history for an idea of what yours could look like. It didn't happen overnight for my mother or my sister so I felt i'd follow suit. In January, 3 months into our marriage, my body proved me wrong! We were pregnant and so very excited. But now we felt a lot more fragile. We wouldn't realize how fragile we'd become until about 2 months later when we found out that we were having twins and that they no longer had heartbeats all in the same terrible sentence. We weren't trying to have children but we weren't opposed to it. And once we had them we knew for sure how badly we wanted them. Losing them was the most destroying feeling I have ever experienced. It threw me into tug-of-war of resolve to be strong and work through the pain and the burning desire to crawl into a ball and let the pain consume me. I had lost a sense of who I was before the babies and now I was having to figure that out through grief rather than exhausted joy.

Thankfully my God is faithful. He helped us in the most tender way by giving us a new start in our new home in Oklahoma, literally 3 days after we lost the babies. We immediately found greeted by  people who loved us and prayed for us and helped us with whatever our needs were. The day we moved in to our new home, a band of people from the church we now serve at, came to clean and help us unpack! I remember having to sit down just to take it all in; it was overwhelming. I still wonder what we have done to deserve such kindness. We have had wonderful people to help counsel us through the pain and understanding how to deal with grief in your marriage (which I am planning on writing a blog about). God even put children in our life again! No, I'm not pregnant...yet. We are youth minister's at Dewey Christian Church. We get to love on children from ages 1 to 13 and it has been such a healing experience. It's good to be needed by young ones or to feel helpful to older ones. It's giving us more practice for the future when number three comes along! Our new home has been a sanctuary of new beginnings for us and we are thankful.

Other changes have been harder to see as blessings. For a while after the babies it seemed I couldn't even look in the mirror without seeing signs of them having been there. And for a while I even considered leaving my body as it was because I didn't want to truly face it all being over. My new baby belly had become a source of unhealthy comfort and defeating emptiness. I had to make a choice to either move forward and have hope in the future and faith in God's will or become clouded by depression and make myself suffer. I chose hope! I chose to look at all the blessings around me. To remember anything and everything I could about dealing with pain from a Christian perspective. I tried to talk about my pain as I needed to and be honest about my feelings rather than treat pain and anger as a sign of spiritual failure. I prayed to God the deepest truths of my heart rather than let bitterness keep me silent. I looked at my husband and sought to remember our bliss as newly weds. And finally I looked at my body and decided that my health, my husband, and my chance at future babies were enough reason to let go of what was so I could prepare better for what will be again someday. I began reading up on how to prepare your body to be healthy while trying to conceive and keeping up on an exercise routine. My husband and I also decided to trust nature again. We are still very young and new in our marriage, so we want to enjoy the time we have with each other and have fun with our new "married people privelges" (quotes are a good cop-out for awkward things). Admittedly it's been hard not to obsess over trying again but it's a part of my journey to learn patience. I so badly want to be better with it. I know I can't live so far into the future that I can't be thankful for what is in the here and now. My prayer has been, "God thank you for your many blessings you have laid before us and for all you have provided us. Thank you for answered prayers and thank you for prayers still unanswered. Give me a patient heart and an open mind. May I never lose sight of the gift of today and may I trust more fully in your plans for tomorrow. Give me peace enough to say your will not mine and faith to truly mean it." This change has restored my passion for life.

It's been a process but I am thankful for where it has brought me today. I miss my babies everday and long to be a mommy again. But this experience will lead my family somewhere I cannot begin to imagine, just like my last personal journey did. Whatever the future holds I only desire to hear from God again, "Well done, good and faithful servant." He is my best motivation.

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