Tuesday, November 6, 2012

So, How Much Will This Hurt?

The last time I was in the hospital I think I asked that question about 15 times. I asked right before they stuck me with an I.V. in the side of the arm; new experience that turns out to be more painful than they let on. I also asked when they proceeded to stick me in the back of the hand because the side of my arm wasn't working. I asked before the catheter and before they injected medicine into my I.V. that they said would be a little "uncomfortable" (Fire in your veins is not just a little uncomfortable FYI). I really wanted to know exactly how much pain everything would cause me so that I could at least be prepared. As it turns out, I could not be prepared for any of the pain I felt because unless you've experienced any of that before there is no way to truly gage the amount of pain it'll cause you.
I find this to be true of more than just hospital visits. It's something I've been struggling with for the past 2 months with our new baby on the way. I am very excited to be pregnant again and God has truly blessed us. It's actually kind of interesting to read my last post and see how much longing I had and it makes God's mercies more real for me. I feel like the woman who touched His cloak :). However, I knew that despite how badly I wanted a baby that if I were to be able to have one again I would have a hard time being able to truly find joy in the experience. After we found out in September I began asking God, "So, how much will this hurt?" Maybe not exactly in those words but more like, "So how long do I have before I have to let go of this one?" "Certainly you wouldn't answer my prayer just to let another one slip through your hands." "How will it happen this time and maybe can you give me a little more warning if it does." I even found myself praying that if I were to lose it that I could at least lose it with all the pain and bleeding that the books say ought to be happening. I just didn't want to go into an ultrasound to be blindsided again. Yes, what a miserable way to feel about your baby. I agree. Satan did a number on me the first month or so of the pregnancy. Everyday was a struggle to not cry or simply give up for fear of the unknown. I was writing off my babies life before it had a fighting chance. This wasn't because I didn't want a successful pregnancy, I just wanted to be prepared this time even if that meant not allowing myself to become too attached to loving my child fully.
I recently asked a friend of mine who had also experienced miscarriage but thankfully also became pregnant again, how it is that she can have so much joy despite what she had already been through? She told me that it wasn't easy for her either and that she struggled with trusting a God that she trusted the first time with her other baby but who had seemingly let her down. But she went on to say, "I had to just learn to let go of my fears and surrender this baby into his arms... Question everything you can control and let go of the things you can't. There are a lot of things we can control, like what we eat, taking our prenatal vitamins... But ultimately with your miscarriage and mine, there was nothing in our power to stop that. I learned to accept that and to stop letting my doubts and fears weigh me down." That knocked at my faith and humility in an incredibly convicting way. I was holding on to my fears thinking that the more I tried to prepare for what I wasn't ready for last time that I could regain a feeling of control somehow. I wasn't surrendering my fears or my babies life into God's hands. My false sense of control was destroying my joy in having the baby and making my fears worse by ultimately convincing myself that I would lose it. I too had to learn to let go of my fears and trust God with ths new chapter in my life and in my belly. It took me a while but with the encouragement of my wonderful husband and my family I was able to pray freely to a God that DID NOT fail me before. He made something very beautiful out of something I know even He would love to be different. Like in the story of Lazarus. We still live in a physical world where death happens but this was not the perfection God originally made. Seeing His loved ones hurting and feeling grief himself, Jesus even wept in pain over this reality. But things had to be done a certain way to display His glory and in the end God brought a dead man to life. And in my life he is raising me up out of my deadness into Himself daily. He is reminding me that I am not this person who has to fight to know answers and be prepared. I am a human who isn't strong enough to live this life without Him and I have to let my weakness be His strength. I have to let go of my fear to let him begin to give me that peace and reassurance I've needed. I'm able to do that more now than before, but it's still hard. The time between appointments is excrutiating. I still let fears seep in and like a weed kills a rose, my fear kills my joy. But when that begins to happen I recite Psalm 139 in my head and remind myself of just how involved God loves to be in the artful design and structure of His creations, especially the ones that he knits together in mothers' wombs :)

1 comment:

  1. So true Jessie, God really is with us, every nano second of life's journery, the big and the small cares, our babies are His gift to us, we have to trust in Him, when life is unravelling quickly around us, we have to hold on to His truths, and know that He is good all the time. I am so thankful that your Uncle Mark taught me, not to trust my feelings, I am quite an emotional woman. That our feelings change like the CO weather, but He remains the same forever.

    It is so good for you to be honest and transparent with your thoughts and feelings, not to let them control you, but so that they can't hold you to the past, the truth God says will set us free. Satan wants you to keep those hurts and pains to yourself, so you won't live in the freedom, joy, grace and mercy God has for you each day.
    Remember Satan is such a jerk idiot.

    That truth held me close to God when Mark got to go live with Jesus, and still does, during those days I miss him so much. I hold on to that truth, God is good all the time, even when life sucks, and feels crappy. Truth is, that is a feeling, and I continually renew my mind in His love letter to us, every day, so that Satan can't deceive me and nor will my feelings guide me away from our King!

    I will keep you covered in prayers for you to keep your eyes upon Jesus, looking full into His wonderful face, and receive the peace that can only come from our Comforter, that truly passes all human understanding, regardless of the outcome here on Earth.

    You are right to say that you aren't strong enough to go through this pain alone, He does give us His strength, when we don't have the courage or energy to put one foot in front of the other, He does, He is, and He will always be with us.

    I love that no matter how unsure I am in my and my feelings, I can always be honest with Him, well He already knows, but to have that trust in Him, to love me in spite of me and my doubts, gets me out of bed on those days that I question if I can go on.

    I am so proud of you to stay close to Him, even when you feel so alone.
    Don't you love Psalm 139, that was one of Uncle Mark's favorite scriptures, he memorized so many chapters in the Bible, but that and Psalm 8 were two he would recite often, he loved sharing those 2 scriptures when we walked the beach.

    Mark had me memorize and claim 2Tim 1v7, that helped me give my fears to Jesus. Every time I would start living in that fear state, I would claim this verse over my home, the kids, our marriage, any life choice we were in, I wrote it out, put in on every mirror, door in the car, in my purse Bible, on both night stands, bathroom, kitchen, dining room, til it was as much a part of me as breathing, when Mark got to go live with Jesus, that verse helped me get out of bed again.

    Group hug and your lil one is getting so big, already a lime :) Yay and Yay!!! Praying you are feeling better now, I mean with the morning sickness, maybe letting up a lil bit for you?
    You're such a trooper and a gentle but firm light for Jesus, Jessie, let your light continue to shine, and so wonderful for you to be real, no one needs to hear about a phone walk with our Lord, it's those that struggle and yet have His peace, hope and joy that draws others to us, so we can share the hope we have in our King!!!
    Hugs and Hugs Precious Jessie!
    Aunty M